MUTANTCheesieBABYFREEGALLERYHitchhiking

French bus, English busYou should see the film, GORY STUFF, Certificate 18

Once upon a time I was a London bus driver and if you ever caught the 337 from Clapham Junction to Richmond or even the 88then you may have seen me at the wheel. I was the second fastest driver in the garage and though in the night we had thirty minutes to get from one end to another I could do it in about twelve and even pull a wheelie coming out of the garage. The fastest was a Sicilian insomniac who had a telepathic deal with the traffic lights. They stayed green, he did not stop at them. If they were red, they saw him coming and changed to green and he did not stop at them. There were also a lot of nutters in my garage. One of them was a midibus driver and one night he was bringing a double decker back to the garage and he went straight up Latchmere Road as he usually did in his midibus out of service under the eleven foot tall bridge. Whoops Double deckers are fourteen feet three inches tall and normally do not go under that bridge. But he was going so fast that it did go under ripping the roof off in the process. The driver heard a noise and carried on up the road wondering what it was. When he got to the next bridge (an easy fit) he thought "Oh fuck" Another nutter in my garage made history by driving the first double decker to fall over unaided by outside forces. All he needed was a top deck full of school kids and a large roundabout.

One of the drivers thought his heart was quitting so he let go of the steering wheel and clutched his chest instead. The bus veered into twelve parked cars, nine of which were completely written off. Expensive stuff, especially when you consider that this was in the middle of Chelsea and the cheapest car there was probably a top of the range Mercedes Benz. A very bad case of indigestion.

Film

Double decker bus

Being a bus driver is tiring and lonely but can have it's good points. Like when (thanks to Adobe Photoshop) I was an extra playing a moody bus driver in Trainspotting Or getting stopped for speeding in my car and getting away with it as I was in full uniform on my way to work. And not forgetting that when it rained heavily you could go and fuck some puddles. If you attempted it in your car you would get wet and your car would either stop dead or somersault. But in the bus it was difficult to peel my eyes off the mirror mid puddlefuck to look ahead for the next puddle to fuck. But I'm no cunt. I went slow when I saw the good people of London near the puddles and in my five years I only ever soaked one person and he was already wet from the cunt driving the bus in front. I am also an expert at can crushing, bottle smashing and ribena carton exploding. It is just a case of aiming the tyre correctly. Never mind about the passengers swinging on the monkey bars. Isn't that why they fit them? Now I have just started work for a bus company in the South of France but unfortunately for the French I drive on the correct side of the road. I miss the puddles now.